Part VI: British Expats in Africa: “Belgium Should Be Wiped off the Map!”

After our slightly awkward and mostly sleepless night, we arrived early Sunday morning in the town of Labé completely exhausted. The driver took us to our choice of lodgment, the Hotel Salaa, which is famous for its talented cook and wonderful hospitality. Well let me tell you, guidebooks can be wrong. As we filtered into the hotel’s courtyard, the woman sitting by the well ignored us as a boy wandered out of some room. The first thing he said was “Le cuisiner est malade” (the cook is sick). Therefore, no gourmet meals for us, in fact no meals at all. This we were willing to accept, but the lack of running water was a deal breaker. Now understand that usually we are not picky- bucket showers are quite common and can be a thing of beauty- but after two full days of sweat, dirt, and grime, it was an absolute necessity.

Hence, our new friend Hadij- who had slept with us the night before and who we affectionately called Spidey after his Spiderman backpack (the kind Kindergarteners covet)- took us to Hotel Tata, the nicest hotel in town. Here not only was there running water, but a beautiful, freshly tiled bathroom! Ah, the wonder. But before showers could happen, we had the most confusing conversation with the owner, who insisted that there was no room for us. First she said there was no room for us and we would have to stay with the other four Americans (girls from our program who had traveled separately from us, and who we came upon by happy chance) in their tiny little room. Then she said there was one room with one bed for us all. Then she said there were three rooms. Finally, we had her show us the spaces and it ended up being practically a compound, completely empty, all for us. Then we talked about prices and she tried to charge us 50,000 GF more than the other American girls. When we asked why, she replied, as if it were completely obvious, that we had to pay more because we had boys with us. Remember, there is no truth in Guinea…

At least the boys came in handy when we sent them to exchange money. It turns our friend Spidey’s father is in the money-exchanging business (we didn’t ask questions- no one is actually authorized to do anything in that country…) so we elected the boys to be our financial representatives. Only two people could go because there are no cars in Labé. Instead there are motorcycle taxis, which only one person at a time can ride. So instead of paying for seven moto-taxis, we sent the boys, realizing only after they left that they could disappear forever with all our money. But of course everything turned out fine- Spidey is a trustworthy fellow- and they returned with 3 million (yes, million) GF to split among the seven of us. Needless to say, we carried around wads of cash for the rest of the week…

The rest of the day passed quickly- the blissful enjoyment of a shower, a foray into the charming market (where I bought the most beautiful purple fabric which is to become a formal dress), a quick lesson in Pulaar (the language of the Futa Djallon, the region of Guinea we were in) and Guinea culture (they do not like to haggle like the Senegalese), and the most delicious schwarma lunch EVER. If you do not know what schwarma is, find out. If you have not ever eaten it, do so immediately. It is très à la mode here in West Africa, but I have never tasted a more deliciously spiced specimen than at Le Calabasse!

After a late afternoon snack of handmade guacamole (the girls bought a knife, a bowl, and the necessary ingredients) we decided to have a late dinner at the hotel. They had all kinds of typical Western dishes- spaghetti, pizza, etc.- on the menu, but it took FOREVER for the food to come. Literally, we waited for over an hour. In the meantime, we were entertained by the pompous and condescending ravings of a Brit working for the International Committee of the Red Cross. Who knows what exactly they do- I stopped listening to him after a few minutes, right after he said that the Red Cross was responsible for keeping Africa in order. After all, who comes in and cleans up all their messes when they spiral into war and self-destruction because of the perpetual ignorance and rampant corruption? Also, Belgium should be wiped off the face of the earth because Belgians are stupid and horrible- just look at what they did to Rwanda- but the French of course are a wonderful people because they civilized Western Africa. He had a house in France, and couldn’t say enough good things about them, despite the fact that we were in Guinea experiencing firsthand the poverty and lack of infrastructure caused, almost single-handedly by France’s complete withdrawal of aid after Guinea chose independence over patronage. Quel hypocracie!!!

After that it was an early night to bed in preparation for our Monday adventures…